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It can't even be a storm without lighting.

Goodbye New York. Hello Miami. Could we be in more of an opposite place. We left behind tall buildings and cold weather for sand and stifling humidity. The weather's only unbearable between 11am and 5pm. Before and after that it's unearthly amazing. And it smells like laundry detergent when it rains. For real. I always smelled those rain scented detergents and wondered where the hell they got the idea that rain smelled like that. Well, now I know.

Now's your chance to exit stage left before the negadiva takes center to bring down the house.Collapse )
So, something in Ravenshadow (my laptop) died. I had to get a new computer ASAP and... wow. I <3 Raven, I really do, but damn. I never knew City of Heroes was so pretty. I'm just constantly floored by how much better it looks on the new comp.

Cassidy is his name by the way. It's the thing you didn't really want, maybe it's not the best, kinda thrown together at the last minute, but you are so happy that he's there. And he's probably saved your life a few times. Just don't leave him alone with your girlfriend. Namesake: Proinsias Cassidy.

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noRAM256: There was this stupid anti-drug ad on the radio tonight that struck me as kinda funny. It was all, "nobody should do drugs just to fit in or look cool". I thought to my self, "of course not, people should do drugs to get high, duh"

PsiberZombie: Haha!

noRAM256: I mean, I've never seen anyone look cool smoking a joint. Looks pretty stupid actually. Bong? better, but still looks pretty ridiculous. Pills are almost non-existent since its just gone. I'm noticing a pattern, nobody looks cool doing the drugs that are actually worth doing.

PsiberZombie: You have a very good point.

noRAM256: well, okay I can kinda see a joint looking kinda cool, if the person is trying really hard to look intense while doing it, but it is pretty silly-small and nobody is going to look cool while smoking a joint after they actually start getting stoned. then they just look goofy.

PsiberZombie: You might look a little cool doing coke.

PsiberZombie: And hardcore doing heroine.

noRAM256: yeah, scary/hardcore with a needle. I don't think anybody looks cool snorting crap up their nose though.

noRAM256: I mean, the hair flip at the end can be hot, but the snorting itself kinda takes away from that.

PsiberZombie: yeah, I was thinking more of the hair flip.

noRAM256: You may have too firmly entrenched the image of Johnny Depp into your idea of snorting cocaine after watching Blow :)

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I slacked off a lot on the whole drawing thing. I still need to finish up close to fifteen drawings if I'm going to get into the SVA. Which still seems silly to me. I mean, even if I do get in, I can't pay for it.

It's funny, really. I can't seem to get a stupid throwaway job because I'm over-qualified. I can't get a job that I'm qualified for because I don't have a degree. I can't get a degree because I can't pay for school. I can't pay for school because I can't get a job. And so it goes.

See? Isn't it hilarious?

Srsly.

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Death is always sketchy on the internet. You may be friends with someone but you can't actually see them. You just have to trust them. You have to make the decision to believe the people the people you meet on the internet and, honestly, you usually do. Because the human reaction is not to assume that people are lying to you.

Corax, someone I never actually spoke to, died in a house fire. I only knew him because he was in a raiding guild on WoW with Jack. I've spent many nights listening to him on Ventrillo while they did raids and other guild type stuff. He was funny, he was pretty cool, he seemed totally awesome. Truthfully, I was always a little annoyed because I'd tried to initiate contact with him and some of others on the Blackwater Raiders (our server) forum, but to no avail.

There was some big drama on the forum involving some stupid internet stuff about his death and the other two (one of which also played WoW) that lived with him. It took me a while to figure out exactly what happened. By the time I did, I figured it wouldn't really affect me much, since I didn't know him. But... fuck.

I just keep thinking about it now and it's bothering me. When I was ten or so, the apartment below the one we were living in caught fire after a molotov cocktail was thrown through the window. A few years ago, some of friends' house burned down after someone threw an aresol can of something into their dryer. Their dog was in the laundry room when it exploded. He lived, but he looked like shit for a while. So... I keep finding myself thinking about Corax and how silly he was and what it must have been like to die like that. And it's giving me nightmares. I feel like there's something I should be doing, but I don't know what.

Also...
Dear you, who should know who you are,

I am so sorry for what I put you through. I know I've said this before, but I never feel like it's enough for you to forgive me. And it's okay. I don't really think you should. But, there's something I want to tell you.

It probably won't help anything. It might make things worse. I really don't know. I'm going to go ahead and say it anyway.

I didn't know, until it was too late, the extent of your feelings for the me you thought I was. And I'm sorry I made you feel like that. I'm sorry I betrayed that emotion. But... I felt the same. I just didn't think you, or anyone, would feel that way about me, even when I was lying.

I miss you. I miss talking to you all night. I miss exchanging music. I miss hearing about your day and your cats. I miss feeling close to you. I miss everything about you and I hate that I don't understand everything you're saying anymore.

I wish I could go back and change the way I did things. I wish I could fix what I broke. I wish we could be friends again. This halfway, purgatory we're in with each other makes me feel terrible and, even though I know I deserve it, I wish we could go back to the way things were before.

The way I hurt you is the thing I regret the most.
But you have a smile I haven't seen around
Lately you're as dark as this town
And I know it seems like nothing changes
Days go by and we just age


On Sunday my family had a big lunch thing. And I do mean big. There were people I haven't seen since high school and not all the frequently even then. To be fair, it wasn't only for me. My uncle Chuck works for the Corp of Engineers and he's going back to Iraq to try and fix things. And my papa, though I don't know how many people know about what's going on with him.

Apparently Christian didn't have food poisoning. He had some sort of plague that I also got, but without all the throwing up. Though, my stomach's been pretty sketchy for a few days now. I was feeling pretty sick during the whole thing, but it was fun anyway.

My cousin Roz showed up with her daughter Serenity. Roz and I used to really close, but somewhere along the way we split up. I think it might have been around the first time I painted my nails black that we started drifting apart.

Serenity is so cute. Poor kid's probably sick now. She spent most of the day, after she got over her shyness, sitting on my lap and playing with my necklaces. I wish I could see her more.

Roz's dad was there too. I used to really like him, but when I was twelve he picked me up and put my head on a slug, then said something about not being such a sissy. I kinda stopped liking him then. I'm not a big fan of slugs. I only mention this because it was all I could think about while he sitting there at lunch. I just kept remembering trying to get the slug-slime out of my hair.

On Saturday (fuck chronology!) I went to a Renn Faire dinner thing with my mom. It was really cool to see everyone again. I even ran into some old D&D friends. A bunch of them made me promise to come visit again during the faire, and I did, but I think I lied.

Being back is strange. I really feel like I'm missing stuff this time. There's stuff happening and I'm not sure how it got to this point. It's okay though. I remember why I left this time. And I know what I need to do when I get back home.
So, a couple hours of sleep curled up in an airport chair/airplane seat does not equal a full night's sleep. No matter how much you want it to.

Yesterday, Christian and I had dinner with Eve and Justin. They brought along Tyler, Eric, and some girl whose name I forgot before we even finished eating, despite the fact that she seemed really cool. After dinner we headed out to the Majestic. I haven't been there in a long time. They were having a drag show, which was pretty cool. They had a few emo boy drag kings that were just absolutely beyond hot.

I love the emo style. The androgyny of it rocks my socks, I'm a sucker for the music, and the look is just such an awesome post-apocalyptic explosion of color. The problem with it is... none of them over twenty-one, I swear. Makes me feel like a filthy pederast.

Anyway, we ran into Josh there. I haven't seen him in a looooong time. He was with a girl I went to high school with, which made things a little awkward. I never know what to say to people I used to kinda know.

Christian somehow got sick. He's been puking up his guts today. I don't have the heart to tell him I'm hungry. :P Later, I'm going to go see my gramma. Sunday we're having dinner with EVERYONE. Tomorrow, my mom wants to kidnap me off to something in Muskogee. Next weekend or something, Eve's having a fetish party she invited me to. Little nervous, but Christian assures me that I don't actually have to do anything, so I'll probably go. Good times.

Ugh, poor Christian. Vomiting again. Sounds really bad. :(

I'm still running, arms wide open...

I just forced Jack to watch Gypsy 83 with me again. I love that movie. It's not the best all the way through, but the parts where it's on, it's so perfectly on. When Gypsy sings her song at the end, I seriously get goosebumbs. For anyone who hasn't seen this movie yet, I HIGHLY recommend it.

I mean, there's pretty goths, Stevie Nicks love, amazing music, and, if all that's not enough, pretty boys having sex. And some incredibly emotional het sex too.

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Does anyone even know what a Mary Sue is anymore?

When I first heard the term, I was clueless. But I did some research and found this:
Mary Sue, sometimes shortened simply to Sue, is a pejorative term used to describe a fictional character, either male or female (male characters are often dubbed "Gary Stu", "Marty Stu", or similar names), that is portrayed in overly idealized and clichéd ways, lacking noteworthy flaws, and primarily functioning as wish-fulfillment fantasies for their authors. -Wikipedia


So, I have to wonder why the title is getting pinned on all these other characters. Tragic past? Mary Sue. Unconventional name? Mary Sue. Better than average at something? Mary Sue.

It seems that you don't even need to show more than one symptom. I see characters left and right, in fanfiction and RP's, being labeled as Mary Sues. The other day, someone referred to Cat (Psion, Catspaw, and Dreamfall by Joan D. Vinge) as a Gary Stu and I literally jaw dropped.

Cat has a tragic past, yes. But he's a good, dynamic character. He grows and changes as the books go on. Yeah, bad things happen to him. But it's accurate for the canon.

To me, a Mary Sue in fiction is a character who's actions are not congruent with the way people are reacting to her. She's a vile bitch or excruciatingly egotistically, yet everyone loves her. In canon, she's Lana Lang. In RP, she grabs the spotlight, keeps it for OOC reasons, and tries to dictate how other characters should see her.

She is not a character who is always seeking attention IC. She is not the character who is good at something. She's not the character who is pretty.

I think a good character can even have a lot of the qualities attributed to Sues and still be a good character. It all depends on how she's written.

I hope that made sense. And, in conclusion, I wish people would stop throwing that phrase around so much. It doesn't even mean anything anymore.

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The other night, I dreamed about food. I tried to buy something to eat with my mom's credit card, but it was declined. While I was standing at the register, I noticed they were also selling peanut butter sandwiches. At first, I was appalled that they would charge money for peanut butter and bread. But then I noticed it was chocolate chip bread.

And damn... Now I want to try that. I don't think it would work on the wheat bread I've got. I'm thinking white or italian. Maybe potato bread. If I were really awesome, I'd make my own bread for it. With milk chocolate chips. I like them more than the semi-sweet kind. Ooh! Or maybe I'd just get crazy and go for the toffee/chocolate ones. I could seriously eat those all day just by themselves.

Ugh, now my mouth is watering.

Anyway, on to other news. Jack and I have been seriously missing our gaming sessions. It's hard to get together in real life to play. We've got an IRC game going, but right now it's really small. Just me, him, and Bear (from the old Tulsa group). Kaz was in it for a while, but he hasn't signed on for about a month now. We'd like to get more people, so we put together a forum for it. If anyone's interested in forum or chat gaming, definitely let me know. We want more people to play/write with!

It's based on the World of Darkness and it's totally cool if you don't know anything about it. We are so willing to teach. Linkage!

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